I went to Chipotle for dinner tonight because I deserve it … and it’s a day that ends in “y”. The line isn’t too long, my stomach isn’t so empty that it’s eating itself and the place isn’t stuffy. All in all, these are ideal burrito-anticipating conditions. In front of me is a hipster/grunge couple(?). The girl has a few dreads that look like they haven’t seen a wash in years and the guy … THIS GUY. Ugh. White undershirt, tight jeans, sidewise hat, shitty attitude about life in general (every sentence he completed was filled with an air of “uhh, my life has no meeeeeaning, wah wah, doom and gloom”) and fake taper plugs in his ears. For those of who you don’t know me: I have REAL plugs in my ears; I’ve gauged them to a size 2. It’s not huge, but when I wear my hollow ones, you can see through my ear. Fake plugs bother me. Not in a you’re-such-a-pussy-I’m-so-awesome kind of way, just in a it’s-not-that-hard-to-gauge-them-take-it-out-if-you-don’t-like-it-they’ll-go-back-to-normal-I-promise kind of way. Either way, I wasn’t judging (too hard, anyway), just minding my own business, waiting for a burrito and watching Sushi stare me down from the jeep when I FELT HER DREAD LOCKS TOUCH MY ARM!! I freaked out. Hardcore. Dreads gross me out and the fact that her human pathogen-growing hairdo touched me made my skin crawl. I recovered and took a slight step backward so it wouldn’t happen again.
We went through the ordering process and while the cashier was ringing them up, the girl at the end of the line was finishing up my burrito.
“Yeah, toss some lettuce on there. Try to make it look healthy.”
“Haha, sure thing, let’s give it some green illusion.”
THEN the hipster guy leans over, while looking at my burrito and says, “Lettuce isn’t healthy, it retains water in your body so you should always replace it with spinach or not get it at all,” he FINALLY looks at me, “just so you know.”
I snapped and my brain-to-mouth filter, that’s been on vacation or the last 26 years, wasn’t there to keep the tongue lashing at bay. I replied with “I’ll start following your unsolicited dieting advice when you can commit to something as simple as gauging your ears and wearing jeans that fit, but thanks for your opinion.”
They paid and left without another word, the cashier had the biggest grin on his face when he asked “anything else?” and proceeded to give me a fountain drink on the house. BOOYAH.